June 04, 2004


Folks. PLease allow me to pull up my soapbox and preach to you a minute. I'm here to talk to you today about an abomination. I know what you're thinking. Finally something about the war, or maybe a little religious diatribe, but no. This is something that touches all of our lives at least once a week, and some people even make their living from it.

Imagine, if you will, this grisly scene. Millions of you and your neighbors, all subsisting together quietly. Getting along. Living and dying in the most natural of ways. A very peaceful existence indeed. Suddenly, an outside force decides that you and those around you have become too prolific, and they decide to take action. The action that is taken is an atrocity. Wholesale delimbing of you and everyone like you. There's nothing that you can do, but sit there and wait for your turn. Firmly rooted in place by your fear of the all powereful entity.

Here's the part where it gets really nasty, so the faint of heart may wish to stop reading.

Remember all the limbs that were arbitrarily removed? Well they all get chopped into fine bits, and fed to the populace. Those not ground up, are left to rot in the homes and neighborhoods of the folks that they were removed from. This is the most extreme cruelty that I can imagine.

I believe that it is time to bring these cruelties to the fore, and ensure that the people are educated. So I propose to form the group: Citizens for the Proper Burial of Lawn Clippings.

People, I'm asking you to throw away your mulching mowers, denounce your side-discharge grass torturers, and at the very least use a bagger. A bagger would allow all your clippings to be sent to a landfill and buried. Once we get enough members, then we can send someone to each dumpsite, and have them say a little eulegy for each bag that is interred.

Come on my Brothers and Sisters. Join up. If not for the beautiful lawns that we all enjoy, then do it for the chiildren.

(Places soap box back into the closet)

Posted by Johnny - Oh at June 4, 2004 07:13 PM

Screw you, buddy. I HATE my lawn with a flaming passion. All it ever does is grow really fast so that I have to waste time mowing it instead of blogging.

My lawn can't suffer enough, as far as I'm concerned.

Stupid lawn.

Posted by: Harvey at June 5, 2004 01:45 PM

So I guess that makes you the Saddam of your little patch of earth, huh? Well let me tell you that when the CPBLC comes for you, we won't be no wimps like them marines was. No sewer will be deep enough for you to hide in. It's a new world buddy. Come and join the righteous before there is a reconing.

Besides. Anyone who repents gets a free set of steak knives. You know you wnt the steak knives.


Posted by: Johnny - Oh at June 6, 2004 12:42 AM

Johnny, you evil man! Stop the mowing! Stop it now! Giving the remains a decent burial just perpetuates the slaughter of innocent leaves!! Fear John Deere! Toro Kills! Lawn Boy bagged, grasses flagged!

Posted by: Susie at June 6, 2004 01:59 PM

Somebody bring a butterfly net for the crazy lady running around naked on the lawn.

Posted by: Harvey at June 6, 2004 08:14 PM

I'm trying to convince my wife into letting me get our lawn designated as a state prarie restoration zone.....

Posted by: Graumagus at June 6, 2004 11:15 PM

Susie: Can't you see that the leaves are Communists? Have you ever seen just one blade of grass? No, they must be held in check, but do it the humane way. Unlike Harvey.

Harvey: I'm kind of surprised that you don't want tot chase her around with a mower, you sick twisted man.

Grau: That's perfect! Get the state involved. No better way to spread the word than by state sactions. I gotta go call my congressman.

Posted by: Johnny - Oh at June 7, 2004 09:14 AM
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