February 15, 2005

I'm so hot!

As you know, I've been whining incessantly about being single recently, so I figured that since I'm from Tennessee, what better place is there to meet chicks than a Family Reunion? The Charm (tm) was in full-effect throughout the stay, and while I'm not completely irresistible, the impact was indeed palpable. I ain't sure what I've got, but it's definately something. I think the following (bad) examples will tell the tale quite well:

The first girl on me was kind of a surprise, as she wasn't even there. I guess I had the pheremones set all the way up on "Puree" that day, as she was talking about how she had a "Crush" on me, and how she "missed" me, and even brought up the "fur handcuffs". Easy now, Susie-love. There's plenty of The Johnny to go around.

The proof.

Next there was Bou. She's a very-happily married mother of three, so I fugured that she would be safe to be around, but apparrently not. First thing I know she wanted to know "How old are you?" (Which we all know is code for "are you legal?") and then she just kept repeating "Man" and "Boy" over and over again, and wanted to "snatch me(sic) up". I'm just so happy that she kept herself under control, because I don't want to be a home-wrecker.

The proof.

Now Teresa was a real class act though. She is another happily married woman, but I could tell that it was working on her as well. She said things like "get in here and turn on the heater" and talked about the "very little sleep" she got, so I knew what was up. But she conveniently had a "headache" so as to ensure nothing happened. Right. I've heard that one before.

The proof.

Here's where things began to get a little more "out there", so people began to leave these things out of their blogs altogether. In the interest of fair reporting, I've taken it upon myself to bring these sordid details to light. Upon my honor, every statement that I'm about to make is true.

LeeAnn was all over this guy called "Dogger" all evening, so she completely missed how sexy-fied I was, but she did bring along a friend. This bitch was crazy I'm here to tell you! She was the ultimate social butterfly. Running around, in and out of every group, and she was alway's a topic of discussion. Her flowing raven-black hair, lithe body, and soul-stealing eyes just couldn't be ignored, but I think that her best feature was her Purple-Tongue. The one she gave me a big, sloppy kiss with. She never even told me her name, but I think her "pet-name" is Boo 'cuz that's what I heard some other folks there call her. What a heart breaker.

Sarah K was there, and I'm here to tell you that there was a reverse effect going on there. She took every mean thought I had, and turned into into something wholesome and nice. What a sweetie! I liked her so much I even proposed to her, but it was no use. Damn you Frank J!

Harvey's "Beloved Wife" (hereafter to be known as "Bee-Dubya") was definately feeling the heat. During one afternoon she began to plot how she could get to me, but I mentioned that she was married. She didn't miss a beat, and started talking about the large life insurance policy she has on the BlogFather, and how she could just bump him off. Once he's met with the "horrible accident" I'm first in the running to be her boy-toy. Remember folks. It was just an accident.

The one that is the most shocking was our hostess Tammi. One evening, I had imbibed a drink or two, and was getting sleepy. I was perfectly content to nod off in a chair, but she wasn't about to let that happen. I was already asleep, and she just got me up and forced me into her bed! Luckily she was gentle with me, so I slept in her bed the rest of the nights I stayed there. She even cooked me breakfast. I appreciated her kind ministrations so much, I left some money on her pillow.

If you don't belief that all these sordid tales are the gospel truth, then just ask blog-bro _Jon. He was so upset that he couldn't get any action that he threatened to kill me.

I'm starting to think that I'd be good in the MSM. I can twist the facts with the best of 'em.

More stories to come soon.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at February 15, 2005 09:10 PM

You are in sooooooooo much trouble! ;-)

Bad Johnny, Bad........

Posted by: Tammi at February 15, 2005 09:20 PM

I'm stepping out of _Jon's way...

Now all I have to do is say "Brunswick"...

**** ducking and running *****

Posted by: Teresa at February 15, 2005 09:33 PM

You're the man, Johnny-Oh. I'll miss ya after _Jon kills ya.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at February 15, 2005 09:48 PM

I promise that I'll do better Tammi. Da Debbil made me do it. ;^)

"Brunswick" Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Thanks T1G. I'm sorry we never met in person, but I'm sure the funeral will be lovely. I hope you make it to that. :^)

Posted by: Johnny - Oh at February 15, 2005 10:05 PM

Anyway... yeah, I was there... I vouch for it all :-)

By the way, you got a LOL from both me & BW on that first line.

I'm REALLY glad I wasn't drinking anything.

Oh, and just to say _Jon the trouble:

"Things you haven't seen?"


Posted by: Harvey at February 16, 2005 12:28 AM

i can vouch for the marriage proposal, he really did ask me to marry him while my drunk boyfriend was out of the room.

and Johnny, you're much nicer than you let on. :-)

Posted by: sarahk at February 16, 2005 07:08 AM

and would you look at that. all the promises, and i'm still not on the blogroll. i could be "first blogger i proposed to." unless i'm not.

Posted by: sarahk at February 16, 2005 07:12 AM

Damn I wish I coulda been there!!!!! LMAO Too funny!!!!

Posted by: Denise at February 16, 2005 07:19 AM

*Sigh* Johnny pingged me!!! I'll never wash that post again... ;)

Posted by: Susie at February 16, 2005 10:02 AM

Ah Johnny...were it not for that "Dogger" fella...well 'nuff said.

Now as for your remarks about your Boo...she's still smakin' her lips about you. (You've got to stop putting vaseline on your cheeks. It's just not good for a dog. Seriously dude!)

It was wonderful to meet you and we're all glad your safely home! Florida is once again safe! *big grin*

Posted by: Lee Ann at February 16, 2005 01:37 PM


That first line was brilliant :-)

Posted by: SAlly at February 16, 2005 03:11 PM

I made a funny for Harvey and Bee-Dubya! Sweet!

Nope Sarah, you were the first, so the sidebar has been updated. :^)

Hey Denise, Glad you enjoyed it. Stop by anytime.

Did you feel the LOVE in that ping Susie? I assure you it was there.

Boo was such a sweetie LeeAnn! I'm so tickled that you brought her with you. At least it was only Vaseline, it could have been peanut butter! ;^)

Sally, your compliments make my head swell with pride. I'll be lucky to get out the door now. :^)

Posted by: Johnny - Oh at February 16, 2005 05:26 PM

You're just being nasty because I called you on the fact you've never seen a clit or tits before. Geezoweez, man, get over it! ;-)

Posted by: Boudicca at February 16, 2005 09:03 PM

- I have a picture of the money on the pillow.
- I heard him propose.
- Bee-Dubya had me ROFL!
- The other 'unmentionable' insult is gonna get you so fucking dead you fucking fucked up fuck!

Posted by: _Jon at February 17, 2005 01:48 AM

Such supercilious comments JohnnyOh! I think all the listed women would be too much for you.

Actually, I still have a midget chained to my bed. I'm kind of sick of him. He's too small and kind of slow, but maybe he would be just your southern speed. Would you like me to ship him down to you?

Posted by: Beloved Wife at February 17, 2005 06:43 AM

Maybe somebody should throw a bullshit flag at Johnny...

Posted by: Harvey at February 17, 2005 07:09 AM

Yeah, "somebody" should, but nobody can because Johnny has the only 'bullshit flag' around. He and his mom won't share with the rest of us. I think they have some sort of "flag fetish".

Posted by: Beloved Wife at February 17, 2005 07:30 AM

Hey! You can't call Johnny a flag! He clearly prefers women.

And you REALLY should check your comments for spelling errors.

Posted by: Harvey at February 17, 2005 02:34 PM

Hey _Jon! I appreciate the confirmation of the veracity of my statements. Nonetheless, whenever you feel up to the killing might not be a good time for me. Don't worry though, I'll give you a "cue" when it's time.

You're probably right Bee-Dubya. All the ladies would be too much for me. I prefer my women cross-eyed and drooling, and I never saw any one of them cross their eyes. (Or I could have replied: All the ladies would be too much for me...at once. I suggest maybe a pair at a time would be a better situation.) Supercilious no? :^)

Thank you for coming to my defense Harvey. I'd hate to be labelled a "Flag", 'cuz I really hate them rainbows.

Posted by: Johnny - Oh at February 17, 2005 08:07 PM

Actually, I'm one of the best eye-crossers around. I can do one at a time, or both at the same time. However, I will have to work on that drooling part..

Posted by: Beloved Wife at February 18, 2005 01:07 PM

BW's not kidding. Next time you see her, ask her to show you that eye thing. Just freaky.

Posted by: Harvey at February 18, 2005 02:02 PM

awwwww, you're sweet. i had to enter this "t-shirt babe contest" at IMAO before Frank blogrolled me. and he still hasn't proposed! :-) you, _Jon and LeeAnn are next onto my blogroll.

Posted by: sarahk at February 18, 2005 08:42 PM

ROLFMAO. After talking to Bou and _Jon... this is just too funny!

Posted by: vw bug at February 20, 2005 08:04 AM
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