Closet Extremist

RBAM! aka: Red-Blooded American Male.

I started a little debate with the esteemed Mr. Contagion in the comments to one of his recent posts, and I felt that my rejoinder to his last statements should be posted here for all to see.

As I (eloquently I might add) pointed out in my last post, I'm what you'd call a "Man's Man". I thought that my esteemed fellow MuNuvian was one as well, but I found a line in that post that just stood out to me:

Ever since I can remember, I always hated Christmas shopping. I’ve been thinking about why that is since November when I started doing this years. (emphasis mine. Ed.)

Now every RBAM should know that ideally you do all of your Christmas Shopping on December 24th. It's just the rules folks. We didn't create these stereotypes for no reason. Hell, I started this season's round of shopping on Sunday, and I still consider that "early". Luckily it's within a week of actual "C-Day" so I get dispensation.

I told him that he should get his "Man Card" revoked for starting so early, and was absolutely flabbergasted by his retort:

I started shopping in November so I could avoid going the mall/stores during the busy time, thus not body checking an old lady and ending up in jail...

. I sit here "jaw agape" as you should be. Something like: "My wife/significant(female)other tricked me into it." or "I bought something for myself, but it sucked, so I'm giving it to Aunt Martha." would both have been acceptable answers. Not this namby-pamby drivel about "busy time" and "old lady's". These are opportunities to display your "manhood" that just fell by the wayside, my friend.

"Busy", I scoff at busy. This allows me to show off my prowess at operating a motor vehicle. Not to be immodest, but Mario Andretti ain't got nothin' on me. Sure, he's a decent driver, but I've never seen him cross a parking lot at Seventy MPH, and then do a 180 degree slide into that choice parking space. Have you? Didn't think so.

"Old Ladies" I prefer to bowl them over in groups of ten or more. As far as I'm concerned, it's their own fault that they got knocked out of the way, as they are the ones who should be shopping early. If they're out there during "Man's Shopping Week" (December 18th thru the 24th) then they deserve any and all abuse that they get. The "extra-added bonus" is the fact that breaking hip-bones of multiple antigenarian's is reminiscent of the "crackling fire" we alway's have blazing on Christmas Morn. Ahhh, Good times.

At this point, I feel that I must dock the distinguished gentleman in question 100 "Man Points" for his transgressions. (I know it seems a bit harsh, but I'm hoping a little "tough-love" will will work here.) I fear that he's on the "slippery slope" toward becoming a dreaded "MetroSexual", and if he achieves that status , I'll be forced to revoke his "Man Card" entirely. This Christmas Eve, I fully expect you to Don your Stars and charge into the breach. That's what a "Man" would do.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at December 20, 2005 06:35 PM | TrackBack