Closet Extremist

Of all the...

Low-down, dirty, sidewinding, backstabbing, underhanded, evil, wretched, conniving, hornswaggling, "piss in my beer" things that have happened to me in lo these thirty and four years of my existence... Being memed is nowhere near the worst. Don't get me wrong though, it's still pretty bad.

Christmas movie's huh? Five of 'em huh? Let's see what the ole punkin' has to offer up: (In no particular order.)

First: Hondo. There's that one scene, where the little boy (Johnny is his name... I like that.) is fishing in the stream, and Hondo explains to him that he can't catch any fish because they can see his shadow, and suggests that he swim to the other bank. Johnny's Mom explains that he can't swim, so Hondo gives her a "look", walks over, picks the boy up, and chucks him into the water. Mom is freaking out and wringing her hands and such, but Hondo keeps her from going to the boy's rescue...Lo and behold, the kid figures it out, and sputters his way to the other shore. I get through each Christmas season in much the same way as that child got back to dry land, wet, dejected, and utterly flabbergasted... but still with us, and better for it.

2.) Falling Down. This particular film is a catharsis to me in these hectic day's. Just the thought of being able to "go off" on the more trite of injustices in this world in such an extreme manner just does my heart good. There's been more times that I'd like to whip out an automatic, and give that rude clerk what for than I can ennumerate.

C. Groundhog Day. The film's concept just rings true to me. Working stiff, who can't find love, get's to relive the same day over and over until he can nail Andie MacDowell. MAybe there's hope for us single guy's yet. All we have to do is get caught in a temporal loop until we figure out the right thing to say or do to make the chick we like fall in love with us. It is the "Season of Love" right? (Sidenote: If Andie wants to look me up for a "retelling" of this tale, she's more than welcome to look me up.)

Penultimate: Bullitt. This movie has the greatest car-chase scene that was ever recorded. Two classic muscle car's careening through the streets (and into the countryside) of San Francisco. Burnouts, bent fenders, automobiles leaping over steep hills, powerslides, and crazy speed. I've done my fair share of all of those things, but nothing but Christmas traffic makes we want the ability to do them all again...This time in a 1972 El Dorado with the fenders filled with cement. People would be justly rewarded for their stupidity in traffic, and I'd make it home fifteen minutes to a half-an-hour earlier each day. We all could stand a few "assertive driving" lessons during the season.

Fin: Scrooge. I know what you're thinking..."Finally, an actual Christmas Movie", but this one's all about redemption, rather than religion. Upon being taught the error of his way's, Old Eb decides that it's in his best interests to shell out a few greenbacks to buy his way back into the good graces of his friends and cowworkers. Scrooge was a miserly soul, and the film portrays this as a "bad thing". Actually hanging on to your hard earned wealth is depicted as being the most nefarious deed since Dahmer had lunch, but I don't believe it is so. Give what you can, and appreciate what you get, is my motto. That cheezy, macaroni encrusted greeting card from your youngest is much more precious than a Rolex, any day of the week.

I'm supposed to tag five folks with this, but it's after eleven, and I've got to be up at 4:45, so I'll forgo that little part of the chore. Fuck a bunch of the "giving spirit". I'm tired.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at December 21, 2005 11:18 PM | TrackBack