July 31, 2004

It's Alive!

As you may have surmised, I've been keeping myself really busy over the last few days. I've been in a bit of a funk, and that makes me restless, so I haven't had the patience to sit in front of the computer. I haven't even ben reading blogs all that much. Don't worry though, I'll pull myself out of it shortly, and get back to my usual self.

I've been working every day since Tuesday, and after work, I've had a lot of chores to do. Digging up stumps, working on vehicles, burning brush, and other such activities. This has worn me out to the point that I am going to bed around 10:30PM instead of my normal 1:30 to 2:00AM. It's nice to get the sleep, but it really takes a chunk out of my day.

Tonight, I've got to mow the lawn, and repair a leak in the Bronco's gas tank, so I can't promise that I'll be in any shape to write. I may stop by a few comment parties though. Just to see what's going on. Anyhow, I gotta be back at work in 15 minutes, so I'll blog to ya'll later.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 11:40 AM | Comments (2)

July 28, 2004

"Tarred" as we say around here.

Here it is, nearly Thursday, after two days off, and I've only worked today, but I'm frickin' beat. Worked my normal eight hours at the Mega-Lo-Mart slingin' mulch and soil in 90 degree heat, then I went on over to my roommate's parents house and pulled up stumps out of thier front flower beds. Did I mention the 90 degree heat?

To give you an inkling of how much all this physical labor has taken it out of me today, I'd just like to share with you a few facts.

1. It's 11:20 PM (local time) and I have only had one beer.
2. It's 11:21 PM (local time) and I have only had two swallows out of my bourbon.
3. I have been home for three hours, and hav only looked at one tenth of my blogroll.

This is not good for me. I'ma gwinter go ta bed now. I'll make an attempt at some actual content (stop laughing Harvey) tomorrow. Night 'all.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 11:28 PM | Comments (1)

July 27, 2004

Honey I'm Hom---What the Hell?!

I knew that something was amiss when I noticed my plastic sheeting strung out the front door, but I just figured it was a flood as it has rained the last two days, and someone had used it to sluice all the mud out of the house. Boy was I wrong.

It would seem that Harvey sent out a "Call to Arms" to all the miscreants who read his drivel to stop by and thrash the place. They did a fine job of it too.

Susie showed up early to assist Harvey in drinking all my beer. I'm sorry I didn't get to see her in that tube top, but I hope she's enjoying my "Got Milk?" T-shirt. (You can keep it Susie, I'm sure you've stretched it out.)

Sally (who is "blogspotted" at this writing) showed up with her own beer! I tell you that if Alex hadn't already got her, I'd make my move. Unfortunately, there's no way I can compete with a guy who brings along "Inflatable Things" and his own baby oil (Instead of raiding my stash like people who shall remain nameless.).

That 1 Guy decided that he would let the "munchkin" into my closet, and he got a little TLC from Susie. For that he must pay!

After a little "field modification" I now have both the loudest refrigerator, and the coldest stereo. Sorry _Jon, I'm patenting both those ideas for myself. I'm gonna make a mint!

Next Boudicca dropped by, and I must say that for someone who is peculiar about her breakfast foods, she sure had no problems breaking out my supply of chocolate syrup. At least the "Super Soakers" helped wash things down a bit. I'm happy to give the washing machine a proper burial though. It was for a good cause.

Teresa showed up, and she gets a special "Party Engineer" blazer-badge and membership card for coming up with the intra-blog "Slip'n Slide". Creative debauchery. Gotta love it.

Then there's Michael. He was a bit of a wallflower, but he wished me well, and he's a fan of the Family Guy. Taht makes him alright in my book, so he's free to lech and/or debauch at his whim if (Who'm I kidding?) when this happens again.

LeeAnn dropped in with an empty bottle of vodka, and a few batteries. I still Love her, even if she does have the hots for Hugh Grant. Aparrently Blogless "Machelle" does too, as she put those batteries to good use.

Obviously a good time was had by all, but now I've got to get the fire department over here to hose this place down...But before I do that, I'm dishing out my punishments to all of you who had a party here without me.

All you ladies, line up over here for your spankings.

As for the guys, your punishment is that you don't get to watch!

(Can you tell I had a relaxed time on the lake?)

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 08:28 PM | Comments (15)

July 24, 2004

Used car shopping

I got the honor and privelage of going shopping for "wheels" with the Roommate's Wife this afternoon and evening. You see, she had the transmission give out on her little car a couple of months ago, so I've been helping out by picking her up from work, taking her shopping, etc., but I'm not going to be around for a couple of days, so she figured that she better get something. Off we went.

Meanwhile, three hours later, she is now the proud owner of a $1,000 1988 Ford Bronco II. Sure, it's got its issues, but it runs and drives, and she can afford it. Done deal. Luckily, I am somewhat of a "shade-tree" mechanic, so I foresee a few evenings spent tinkering with it, and getting it up to its full potential. Should be fun to do as well. I like to work with my hands, and figure out problems.

What's that? Where am I going for a couple of day's? Thanks for asking. I'll tell you.

I actually have two day's off in a row (woot!) so I'm going to take myself a little mini vacation. My Uncle (Mom's Brother) is down from New York for a couple of weeks, and so my Dad has taken a week off, and they are taking the houseboat out on the lake to stay for the whole week. I'm going to go hang out with them starting tomorrow after work, until Tuesday evening. I'm really looking forward to it.

Unfortunately (since there is no internet connection) there won't be any blogging during that time. (So what's different? Shut Up!) I hope to have many stories of fun and frolic to share upon my return. Until then, ya'll behave now.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 10:16 PM | Comments (31)

July 22, 2004

There are trailers in my past.

After linking to Sally yesterday, she went and gave me a reason to link to her again today. Make sure you click the "Move" link. It's frickin' hilarious. It also triggered a memory or two.

(Let's get on to the back-story, shall we?) I was adopted by my Dad when I was four or so. Mom got divorced, and got back together with her high-school sweetheart. They got married, and my Dad took my brother, sister, and I as his own. (Stay with me, I'm going somewhere with this.) As was growing up, we would periodically head up to New York (That's upstate, not the City.) from Tennessee to see the extended family. These sojourns would normally include a visit with my eldest brother (who stayed up north with the guy who sired me) at TGWSM's trailer. (See? I told you it was going somewhere.)

Now this place deserved to be on that "Trailer Trash" site. At any given time, there were at least four cars "parked" out front. One of which actually ran and drove. The rest were just strewn about in a way reminiscent of a three year old's toy cars after he's been put down for his nap. Scattered among the piles of "Detroit Detritus" were various and sundry household appliances, the odd fifty gallon drum, and periodic patches of three foot high grass.

The domicile itself was no better than the rest of the place. From what I was told, when they were bringing the trailer in to be placed on the lot, the only thing they had to drag it down the hill to where it was to be placed was an old bulldozer. Things went well until they discovered that there wasn't enough room to actually tow the trailer all the way to its final resting place, so someone had the great idea of just pushing the abode from the side. As you might guess, mobile homes are not designed to take that sort of stress, so the thing broke in half. (You could hardly see the patch job though. Nobody notices four by eight sheets of plywood painted with tar. Sure man, looks good.)

After a few years, he built a covered porch for it, that really wouldn't have been too bad if he'd used any sort of pressure treated wood during the construction. The winter's in New York are a real bitch-kitty, so this poor wooden edifice began to twist itself into all sorts of interesting shapes. Add to that the fact that there were two or three refrigerators stored there weighing things down, and this poor porch just wasn't looking too good. Did I mention that the fridges had beer taps drilled into the fronts of them? (Really puts the "Ass" in "Classy" dunnit?)

I can't imagine why I preferred to stay with my Mom and Dad?

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 09:46 PM | Comments (10)

July 21, 2004


I've got "Nuttin'" to blog about today. I've had the day off, and have done everything in my worldly power to do as little as possible today, and I've succeeded swimmingly. (Except for painting the molding on the side of my van. The paint has been chipping off, and it finally got irritating enough for me to take the Krylon to it.)

The last time I had this problem, I just didn't post anything. That didn't work out, as my blog-sister Sally took me to task for not linking to her during my short-lived hiatus. So this time she'll get her wish.

Remind me to never have neighbors like those. I would have to saw off my pool-bue to a proper "Munchkin" bashing length, and I like that pool cue. I swear they have the patience of Job.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 07:40 PM | Comments (3)

July 20, 2004

The Little Things

So I had yesterday off from work, and had to get a few chores done around the house, and run a bunch of errands, and the next thing I know it's 11:00 PM and I need to get some sleep. Sigh. Not enough hours in the day, it seems, but that's not what I'm here to talk about.

After I got a haircut, I had to stop and fill up the mini-van with gas, and while at lunch, someone had mentioned mowing the lawn, so I figured I'd go ahead and put some gas for the mower into this little 1 gallon gas can that I've been carrying around for years. Got back to the house, changed into my boots, ditched the shirt, and commenced to mow the lawn.

After I'd completed the side and front yards, I decided that I would go ahead and top up the tank before moving on to the back yard. As I was reaching down to pick up my little 1 gallon gas can, it struck me.

I'll always remember the day I bought that little gas can. At the time I was working a ten to seven shift at a call center, and I was on my way to work. After turning on the radio (News and Talk, that's pretty much all I listen to) I was so captivated by what I was hearing, that instead of watching the gas guage, I wound up running out of fuel roughly a mile from where I worked. I was able to call up my colleague and roommate to come and get me, and take me down the road to the nearest filling station. That's when I purchased the little gas can, and a gallon of fuel to get me on to work.

The date was September 11, 2001.

I recall my buddy telling me that they had decided to close the call center due to the fact that it was located in Oak Ridge, TN, and nobody knew what might happen (What with all the nuclear-oriented things that go on around there.). We came on home and watched in stunned disbelief the rest of the events that we all know so well.

I've got this huge American flag on my living room wall. I've got a print of the "Towers of Light" memorial on the adjacent wall. Neither one have as much impact on me as that little gas can.

Just goes to show that even if I wanted to forget, there's no way I'll ever be able to. Or forgive.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 05:41 PM | Comments (4)

July 18, 2004

Freeze! Drop the reptile!

As usual, when I got home today, I pulled up my faithful browser to check my E-mail, but something just wound up jumping out at me on Yahoo's site. A certain headline that I just had to read the full story of. I'll just quote the whole damn thing here as it was pretty short.

AP Man Accused of Hitting Woman With Gator

Sun Jul 18, 5:55 AM ET

PORT ORANGE, Fla. - A man hit his girlfriend with a 3-foot alligator and threw beer bottles at her during an argument in the couple's mobile home, authorities said.

David Havenner, 41, was ordered held without bond Saturday on misdemeanor charges of battery and possession of an alligator.

The alligator, which Havenner had been keeping in his bathtub, was turned over to Florida wildlife officials.

Nancy Monico, 39, told investigators that Havenner beat her with his fists, then grabbed the alligator and swung it at her as she tried to escape, sheriff's spokesman Gary Davidson said. She said the animal hit her at least once. She also told authorities that Havenner threw empty beer bottles at her, Davidson said.

Havenner's version of the story differed. He told investigators that Monico bit his hand because she was upset that they had run out of alcohol.

I am just stunned to see this story. There are so many life lessons that can be taken from it that I can only name but a few.

1. Never use illegal family pets to cudgel significant others'.
2. Never wing beer bottles at your Better half. (Unless it was on a dare.)
3. Never live in a trailer park in Florida. (You'll have weird neighbors.)
4. (And most importantly) Never, Ever, let yourself run out of alcohol.

Bad things will happen.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 09:37 PM | Comments (6)

July 17, 2004

The Rejoinder that got away.

At work today I drew the duty of the "Customer Welcomer" once again, but this time I didn't have anything that needed to be assembled to entertain myself with. To make things even worse, early in the day, I had to climb into the steel shelves in order to retrieve a bag of Beneful Dog Food for a customer, and while extracting myself from the shelving, I managed to bust my bottom lip open, so I am not exactly looking my best. Imagine saying "Afternoon" so folks over and over while looking like you've just been through a bar brawl. This is how my day had been going.

Long about 6:35 PM or so, I got an opportunity to break up the monotony in the form of a big green/yellow fire truck. You see, "Knoxville's Bravest" stops by the store periodically to do fire inspections and the like, and they also do some shopping for the fire hall. Every time they do so, they park the fire engine right out in front of the store, so I decided that I would mess with them a bit.

Just as the big pumper pulled to a stop in front of my patio, I came out and walked up to it. Just as the Firefighter who was driving alighted from the vehicle I hollered at him and said, "Hey Buddy. You can't park here, this is a Fire lane!", and I started to chuckle. The driver started laughing as well. His copilot had walked around the front of the truck and heard our conversation, so he said to me "That's okay. We're firefighters". I responded with "So that's how that works." and went on my way.

Approximately 3.5 seconds afterward, I thought of the correct comeback to Fireman #2. I should have said "I thought Fireman rode in Red trucks."

Dammit. I hate it when that happens.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 11:01 PM | Comments (5)

Lunchtime Quickie

I'm home on my lunch hour, and found the following quiz from LeeAnn Via Harvey.

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

And Damn Proud of it!

(I figured that Harv would enjoy the title)

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 02:41 PM | Comments (1)

July 16, 2004

Notes from the West Coast

Wednesday morning I had to work, and we were decidedly short-handed, so I wound up watching the door as a "person greeter". It's virtually impossible to get me to stand still for any length of time while I'm at work, so I was assembling a few wheel-barrows that we had around there.

After I had gotten three or four of them together, I noticed a few people (that I thought were) headed for the door, so I started to look up. Just at that moment, the person whom I had intuited was the male of the group stated: "I have a problem with you!"

Any of you who have read my site for any length of time might assume that I'd take this in a negative manner (and not incorrectly on your part), but in this rare instance, my eyes focused on an old friend of mine, Scott was looking at me. He was expecting a handshake, but he got a hug.

I haven't seen Scott for going on six years. We were colleagues at "The Learning Company" (If you're thinking of Reader Rabbit, you wouldn't be wrong.) when we both did technical support for thier products. After TLC bought out Brodurbund Software ("Family Tree Maker" anyone?), the company was shortly after purchased by Mattel Interactive (Barbie Makover....Sigh...But the Hot Wheels games were pretty cool.) and relocated to Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

I was making great money out there, and was the Supervisor over the Cyber Patrol Technical Support crew. Life was really good, other than the fact that I was trapped in Iowa.

For any of you "Flatlanders" out there, please don't take this as an insult. It's all about a "zone of influence" type of thing. It was a regular complaint of mine that "You don't have any mountains around here", and the common response was that "there's some up in the Northwest corner of the state". Unfortunately for them, I had consulted my Atlas, and found that the highest point in Iowa is roughly 1,650 feet above sea level, which I would throw in thier face. Followed shortly by "I'm used to riding my Motorcycle at 6,000 feet above sea level...You ain't got no damn mountains". They didn't exactly appreciate this comment, but alas and anon, I continued to make it.

Upon my arrival in Iowa, I was greeted by none other than Scott (who had gone up there about three months earlier than I did), and he was a calming infuence on me in a trying time. For that, I made him my "Product Specialist" (Along with the fact that he is one of the finest technician's I've ever met.).

After a few weeks, he invited me out to his house for dinner, and I accepted and got to meet his little boy Andrew. We would play "Bowling" with the Fischer Price bowling set, and he would giggle so much, that his parents would have trouble putting him down. When his Dad told him to "Give a hug to your Uncle John" on this visit, the little monkey practically climbed me. It was a cool contrast from the last time I had seen him. That and he looked exactly like both of his parents.

Anyhow, it was a great pleasure to see them after so many years. Especially after they had moved back to Los Angeles, CA. three months after I had moved back to Tennessee, due to a sickness (and eventual death) in the family.

The fact that while they were on vacation, and in the area, they went out of thier way to look me up was a very special treat for me. I wish them all the best (as his Momma is in poor health recently), and I hope to do the same for them someday.

What can I say? I Love them dearly...even though they're Californians.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 10:04 PM | Comments (2)

Finally bit the bullet

and changed over from Internet Explorer to Mozilla Firefox 9.2, on Emma's recommendation.

I've been thinking about moving to an alternative to IE for some time now, and her post was what spurred me on. So far, I've only been using it for about 3 hours, and I'm impressed. I love the "Tabs" feature that allows you to have multiple sites open in the same browser window, and all you have to do is click the "Tab" to go from site to site. The only downside I've found is that a few of the "Hotkey's" (Like Ctrl-Shift-A to create a link in Moveable Type) no longer function, but it's not a deal breaker by any means.

So, for all the proponents of Alternate Browsers out there, consider me a convert.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 02:14 PM | Comments (2)

July 15, 2004

Wednesday Cuh-niggit!

Beaten like a drum. Clock cleaned. Spanked like a ten year old in the back of my van like a poorly-raised infant. Uglier than a shirt from (insert retailer here). Drunker than Cooter Brown. Bleedin' like a Liberal. Uglier than your Momma. Sweatin' like a whore in church. M4 L337 5k1llZ R00l!

Chose your descriptive, and that will encompass at least a moment in the action that I was a part of over at Eric's this evening.

If nothing else, this chap can tell an interesting story (especially when he's trying to distract a player from which color ball he's supposed to shoot at "Jackass!".)

Through it all, I still left him a bottle of "Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey" that he is free to share among whoever he wishes (and a bottle of Spanish Red Wine (Anothrr cheap purchase, but I hope he enjoy's it anyway's).)

He keeps asking why I come back out there, and the answer is: "Because it's Damned entertaining! Good Game. Good People. What more could you ask for?"

His reply was roughly "..."

Who give's a Damn? It's fun!

As far as I'm concerened ,Sally should be there, just so the "Sraight Wite Wife" as someone to talk to, and we can "Tonk" Alex all over the pool table.

Should be fun!

(BTW: If Eric trys to tell you the "Crack" that runs all the way down from the place where he normally sets his glass of Scotch-down the wall-and across the concrete floor, is from the fact that he drinks so much he "Cracked the whole damn room" (probably a misquote), he's fibbin. It's from one of my "sledghammer" break shots that hit the window-sill that he normally stands at. (missed the table for some reason. "I missed. I never miss. Must've been smaller than I thought."

So there!

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 12:15 AM | Comments (10)

July 14, 2004

Stupid "Real Life"

Keeps getting in the way of my blogging. I'm not dead, just busy keeping myself entertained offline. I'm off on another excursion this evening, so this is all you're gonna get. Maybe something interesting will happen that I can blog about. Who knows?

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 04:39 PM | Comments (4)

July 12, 2004

Short 'n Sweet.

I'm off to shoot pool tonight, so there'll be little to no blogging. Maybe I'll still be sober enough (Yeah right) to regale you with tales of my exploits upon my return.

The President was in my town today, and I managed to catch some of his speech. The line that sticks out was something like this: "Global terrorism needs a global solution. In order to achieve taht solution there has to be a leader. The United States will be that leader." I hope this wasn't just pandering to the crowd for applause (which he got), and it is indeed the beginning of a policy to tell the UN that we will do what needs to be done, and if they don't like it, they can go F!@# themselves.

We'll see.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 05:00 PM | Comments (5)

July 11, 2004

there's only 25 minute's here.

Since I had to work this morning, I was unable to watch the British Grande Prix at the Silverstone Circuit when it aired at 7:30AM EDT this morning. Thank goodness the Speed channel (the only channel that airs Formula One racing here in the US.) is rebroadcasting this evening.

I am always very careful on GP race day, to make sure that I don't check any news sources that will give away the winner. I rarely am off fromwork on a Sunday, so this is a precaution I have to take. I Hate learning who won a race before I've had a chance to see what all transpired to create that win. (Although, I'll still watch the race even if I do know the winner.)

I watch a lot of NASCAR races, and they interest me, but not nearly as much as F1 or Rally or even the endurance races. The main difference is in the fact that of the four racing styles I've mentioned, three of them actually have right turns. NASCAR predominantly runs on Oval tracks, counter-clockwise.

It kind of upset me after the last Nascar Road course race to hear quite a few Americans and Canadians say things like "I have no idea why NAscar even has road courses" and similar things along that line. It upsets me that people don't realise that if it is difficult to set a car up for four corners and a "short-chute" (all turning left), that it is orders of magnitude more difficult to set it up for 12 to 18 corners, all of different speeds and directions.

There is so much more that goes on on a road course, and that's it's allure to me. Race is starting. Gotta go.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 10:33 PM | Comments (0)

July 10, 2004

Serenading the Sunset.

Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to do so this evening, but for the last three or four days I've been getting a little "Porch Time". Sometime between 8 and 8:30 each evening, I just have to grab my guitar, a little "Kentucky Strait Bourbon Whiskey", and my songbook, and head out to the front porch to torture my neighbors with my practice technique.

It's kinda cool out there. (Not the temperature, the ambiance.) Just hanging out on the front steps, strumming away. I even had a pretty girl wave at me when she went by just because I was sitting there with my "Axe". Last night, the neighbors who are * "Catywampus" across the street from me, left thier porch shortly after my "performance" began. I believe that these people are commies who can't understand what real artistry is.

* "Catywampus" is synonymous with "Crosswayded".

I've been trying to learn a few new tunes to round out my repertoire. Something, hell anything, that I can play off the cuff without too much trouble. I really hope that the 45 minutes to an hour every night pays off, or else I'm gonna run off to the Casba with that chick who waved at me. I swear!

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 11:17 PM | Comments (5)

What are you looking at?

I spent a wonderful day out at the lake, and when I came home I had an invitation from Sally to check out a quiz. In her comment was a challenge for me to see if I could "out-evil" Harvey (As I've done on not one but two prior occasions.)

I'm sad to say that I was unable to do so on this occasion.

I matched him. Here's what we got:

If you'll note the comments on the link to Sally, Harvey was too much of a wuss to publish his results, so I've taken care of it for both of us. Now I'm not proud of it, as I'm neither short nor Italian (I'm not even gonna get into the "penis size" part), but results is results I guess. Rest assured Sally, I'll out Evil him next time!

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 09:26 PM | Comments (11)

July 09, 2004

It's Official

Well, I got busy with all that "remaining gainfully employed" business yesterday, and didn't get a chance to check the whole blogroll. So this afternoon, I drop by my favorite Uncles place, and lo and behold there's an announcement. How cool is that?

Say Uncle was the guy who submitted me for membership, and South Knox Bubba is the feller who runs the ring. (He also had an announcement.) Many thanks to both of them for lettin' me add a nice graphic to the sidepanel. It looks like this:


I expect that I'll have a lot of blog reading to do, and the old 'roll will expand by more than a few. I encourage you all to do the same.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 01:42 PM | Comments (5)

Frank who?

I don't care what he says, there's absolutely no way that I'm linking to his blog today. Just because it's his Second blog Birthday doesn't mean I'm gonna just roll over and do what he wants.

Crap. I did it anyway.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 11:18 AM | Comments (1)

Culture? Whut's 'at?

From Reflections in D Minor via Harvey.

The Trailer Trash Culture Thingy.

1. UPN or Fox? Fox 'cuz you can't get UPN with an Antennae.
2. roller derby or WWE? Roller Derby, 'cuz Jim Croce wrote a fun song about it.
3. Loretta Lynn or Tammy Wynette? I grew up listening to "Bofum", and I ain't gonna pick one.
4. Tony Lama or Durango? Durango, 'cuz I like thier web site better.
5. fried Spam or fried boloney? Fried baloney. Two slices of "light bread", a fat slice of onion, and a generous slathering of mayo. Mmm Mmm. That's good eatin'.
6. Buck Owens or Porter Wagoner? Buck Owens, for his work on Hee Haw.
7. fiddle or banjo? Both. Proper Bluegrass cannot be played without either instrument.
8. Texas or Tennessee? Where do I live again? Oh Yeah, Knoxville Tennessee. 'Nuff said.
9. Ford or Chevy? (pickup of course) Can't help you here, 'cuz I like Dodges.
10. extended cab or long bed? Both
11. Tabasco or Texas Pete's? I like them both, but I prefer Texas Pete's.
12. Saints or Cowboys? I don't really like either, but I'll go with Nawlins 'cuz they're closer to me geographically.
13. baseball cap or cowboy hat? Ball cap. My collection is down to only 40 or so after I did a purge.
14. double wide or single wide? Single. Bigger redwood deck.
15. Wal-mart or K-mart? Wally World, due to the fact that they haven't been in cahoots with Martha Stewart.
16. "Your Cheatin' Heart" or "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry"? I'm not in a relationship right now, so "Lonesome" fills the bill.
17. Gunsmoke or Bonanza? Gotta go with Gunsmoke.
18. Johnny Cash or Merle Haggard? (ooooh... tough choice) Cash. He was just cooler all the way around.
19. catfish or buffalo wings? Buffalo Wings. Maybe it's a holdover from the fact that I was born in Johnson City New York. Might be genetic or something.
20. Charlie Daniels Band or ZZ Top? This one was tough for me, as I own music from both of them. The song "Mexican Blackbird" pushed ZZ over the Top.
21. Velvet painting: Elvis or bullfighter? Elvis. Tennessee Hellooo.
22. Plastic sunflowers or plastic flamingos? Sunflowers, 'cuz most of them are pinwheels as well. A big 'ole flower going roundy-roundy with the wind looks so perfect next to the redwood deck.
23. Lawn chairs: molded plastic or aluminum frame? Plastic, 'cuz they tend to hold up better when you fall into them in a drunken stupor.
24. John Wayne or Clint Eastwood? Both are icons, but Clint's performance in "Unforgiven" trumps all. Did I mention that he directed it as well?

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 10:26 AM | Comments (5)

July 07, 2004

This aggression will not stand!

As I'm perusing the blogroll this afternoon, I came across this post over at Susie's. I mean, I see her point but as a fellow John I must protest!

Do you have any idea what it's like to go through life knowing that your name is synonymous with so many unpleasant things? Do you? Not if your name ain't John you don't. So here is a list of things that you have to put up with:

1. Knowing that every time someone is going to purge bowels/bladder, they're gonna do it on your namesake.

2. Being known as a guy who spends his hard earned paycheck getting tickled with feathers, in handcuffs, by a 42 year old North Korean proprieter of a house of ill repute.

3. Add the last name "Doe", and you immediately become a "Daisy Pusher Upper".

4. Every time the USPS decides to actually wade through hail, sleet, snow, and/or dead of night to deliver you a missive from your long lost step-first-cousin-in-law (You know the cute one that you snuck a kiss from back in fourth grade. It felt wrong and it felt so right. You just knew that you'd both go against time and tradition and get married and have wonderful little "babies with nine heads".) that begins with the words "Dear John".

5. Add "Q. Public" and you immediately become every slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging, buttcrack-showing, name-on-his-shirt, lemming-like individual you've ever seen in your life.

6. Add "Q. Customer" and you immediately become every slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging, buttcrack-showing, name-on-his-shirt, lemming-like individual you've ever had to serve in your life.

So if you think that naming your boy "Sue" would toughen him up, just try out John and see what happens... no that doesn't hold any water. If it did, the two nitwits that Susie is talking about would have turned out much differently... Wait. Yes it does. You've just got to be (Capital M) Man enough to take it, or you'll turn into a gibbering moonbat. That's my opinion. Make it yours.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 05:22 PM | Comments (13)

Signs Signs Everywhere Signs

Via the "Loverly" Maura.

Johnny - Oh Highway
Tower of Commitment9
Childbirth Hospital156
Fame City319
Please Drive Carefully
Where are you on the highway of life?
From Go-Quiz.com

"Tower of Commitment"? More like Committed.
"Wealthville"? Not bloody likely.
"Hobotown"? I always did like trains.
"Childbirth Hospital"? NOOOOOooooooooooo.
"Fame City"? A one-time blogger, now vagrant was found dead today by the southbound rail tracks. Witnesses say that as he passed away, he had the courtesy to not spill the last two swallows of "Ripple" as the bottle landed upright. Zeke and Rafe were most appreciative, as they did not have enough scratch to get another bottle. Let's go to Bob with the Weather.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 12:03 AM | Comments (3)

July 06, 2004

I hate blogspot sometimes.

The reason why is that I can't just leave a comment at a lot of thier sites, without having to go jump through a lot of hoops to do it. Therefore, when I want to comment on something I see on a BS site, I'll just link to it, and make my comments here.

My blog-sis Sally recently had a trying experience in a large retail store. I can honestly say that I have never had that experience before, but I can only imagine what it would do to a person. Especially a mother.

I just Love her reaction after the initial burst of Love/Relief. I think it is a wonderful thing to see a parent discipline thier kids in a public place. Do it right when the infraction happens, and you have less of a chance of it being repeated. Good on ya Sally.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 10:28 PM | Comments (4)

July 03, 2004

Angry in more way than one.

So I'm at work today. I happened to sell a guy a grill, and he was having trouble putting it together, so he gave me a call. (This was late in the day, so after standing at the door for the first part of the day in 90 plus degree heat and nearly 100 percent humidity, I was in no mood for any tomfoolery)

I'm trying to talk the gentleman on the phone (which happens to be at our department's registers) through his problem, when I hear a kid give out a Howard Dean-Like "Yeeeeeaaaargh!", and then he laughs. Let me tell you that this kid was LOUD. I hear his Mom tell him "Shhh", and I figured that this was a one-time deal. Boy was I wrong.

After about three minutes of this kid screaming his head off, I finally snapped. I turned around, and yelled in thier general direction "Please! I'm on the phone here!" All this time, I had never bothered to look around at the child in question, but after I had already said something, I realised that this kid was (shall we say) "Differently Abled". I'm not sure if he was autistic, deaf, or precisely what his condition was, but he was not what is generally considered normal.

His Mom stated to me (just as pissily as I had talked to the kid) "He can't understand you" so I apologized, and went on with trying to help my customer. Maybe a half an hour after the customer had left, I got called back to the office by a manager, and was on the carpet for the incident. Nothing came of it from my end (No write-up's or anything formal). Now let's get on to the things that pissed me off:

1. As a person who works in retail, it seems that I get to witness every example of bad parenting on the face of the earth. Kid's "showing out" too much (I know that they're going to act up sometimes, they're kids, but fiteen minute tantrums in public is a bit ridiculous), pre-teen girls dressed like hookers, parents leaving thier children in the electronics department playing video games while they shop, the list goes on and on.

I have heard kids screaming like the one today, at least one a day, for the last four months. I'm kind of surprised that I haven't said something sooner, but the one time I did open my mouth, it had to be to a child who couldn't help it. For that, I'm angry at myself.

2. What the hell was she thinking bringing a child who has a propensity to yell at the top of his lungs out to a retail store anyway? Now I can understand that things happen in life, and sometimes you can't find a sitter etc. etc., but how about having a little consideration for your fellow man? The way that this child was making noise was Rude to the extreme. If you know that he might do something like this, don't bring him. For the fact that I was put into this situation, I'm angry at her.

3. Company policy seems to be "The Customer is Always Right" taken to the utmost extreme. Sometimes the customer is Fucking Wrong. When you or your children are disturbing every other customer in a 3 block radius, then (if it's my business) you will be asked to leave my business. There is a certain line that you cannot cross, and it's called "civility". If you are trying to steal from me, or destroy my merchandise, you go to jail. If you can't make yourself understood to the sales staff (haven't bothered to learn English enough to be understood) tough shit. Shop somewhere else. (sidenote: I actually heard an advertisement on the in-store TV Network done entirely in Spanish today. Last time I checked, people were taught to speak English in my country. The vast majority of people who come here and speak Spanish are from Mexico...Illegally. Don't fucking pander them, they shouldn't be here.) So I'm angry at the company I work for, for thier Pussy policies.

All in all. A pissy day.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 08:37 PM | Comments (22)

July 02, 2004


I've got nothing better to blog about tonight, so I figured I'd bitch a little. As I was leaving work today, one of my coworkers told me to "Have a Happy Fourth!" Although I appreciate the sentiment, I told him that I do not celebrate the "forthajewlie". He kind of looked at me funny for a few seconds, so I figured I'd clarify things for him. "I don't celebrate the "Fourth", I celebrate "Independence Day."

I don't think he understood what my problem was, and just went on with his life. Not a problem. I just have an issue with people not recognising the holiday by its proper name. The only other national holiday that springs to mind that might even remotely have this problem is Christmas. It always falls on the same day of the year like Independence Day, but you rarely hear someone say "Merry Twenty-Fifth".

I'm tired as hell of hearing people say "Happy Fourth". Just don't do it. It does not pay proper homage to the spirit of the day. We celebrate it on the fourth due to the fact that it was on that day in 1776 when twelve of the original thirteen colonies adopted the Declaration of Independence. New York finally followed suit on the 19th of July, but most everybody who considered themselves "Americans" had decided that they were no longer going to take any shit from Great Britain, and hang out a shingle for themselves. That's the point.

The calendar date only has signifigance because of what happened, not the other way around. Keep this in mind as you go through your holiday weekend. Remember the courage it took for a few people interested in freedom to go against an Empire. Be mindful of the Founding Fathers, and thier vision of what a country should be. Whether you can trace your heritage back to Benjamin Franklin, or just became a citizen last week, you should always remember what happened and why on Independence Day.

Postscript: I figured that I would share with you a part of my living room. I had recently gone into storage, and relocated my finest wall covering.

It's a daily reminder of what is important. Through it all, I'm still free.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 09:40 PM | Comments (4)

July 01, 2004

An example of character

So there's this friend of mine. Happens to be female, and not unattractive at that. Fabulous personality. So much so that she was a deejay with a very popular radio station here in town. The station got bought out, so she was out of work. She went to another one, and they recently fired her due to budgetary restraints.

She was/is the type of girl that's right for me. Decicive, and opinionated, and equipped with enough brainpower to back up her assertions. She plays a CF Martin guitar, and that's how we got to talking.

You see, I was out at the bar with her boyfriend. He's a great guy and a former coworker of mine. She and I hit it off immediately, and it was within days that I was out at thier homestead for a "scald". (A scald is when you spark up a charcoal flame, and proceed to cook "dead cow parts" upon it.)

It wasn't too long after that when we became "concert buddies". As a deejay, she was offerred a whole lot of fre tickets to lots of shows in the Knoxville area, along with a "plus one". It was no time before my middle name became "Plus One". I got to see a lot of great shows live.

We soon became "bitchin' Buddies". I would complain about the fact that I was lonely, and she would extoll the less than honorable virtues of her current beau. I was always a sympathetic ear to her , and was adept at commiserating with her when he had transgessed.

It was a few moinths ago when she made her intentions known, She wanted me to replace the individual who was currently occupying her life. This would have been a boon for me, as she was making good money, and owned a house of her own. Could have set me free, as it were. The only problem was, the fact that she had a joint ownership of the "fort" with her current boyfriend. As far as I'm concerned, a mortgage is a commitment.

The "mister" in this relationship was a friend and understood the fact that I would not compromise his situation with my influence, and I proceeded not to. Even after I had been directly propositioned by the female in question.

There are a certain few things that I can do and still look myself in the face in a mirror. Stealing another man's girl is not one of them.

If she"d left him of her own accord, and then come after me, I'd have been "In there like swimwear", but she didn't. I'll not be the excuse for a couple breaking up. That's not how I roll. If she'd seperated herself from him beforehand, I'd have tapped it in a heartbeat, but she was looking for me to be the reason for thier separation. I won't be that guy.

She's stilll with him, and I'm still lonely. But I can still look myself in a mirror without feeling like an asshole. I think that counts.

Posted by Johnny - Oh at 12:46 AM | Comments (11)